I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
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Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
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I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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