The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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