If i come over, it means nothing
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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