Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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