My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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