He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
