Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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