i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
