friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
