we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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