so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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