I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
