No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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