I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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