WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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