the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
