Apparently you make a good broom.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
