your parents love me but you hate me
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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