Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
