We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
