omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
