I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
