She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
