I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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