we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize