I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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