my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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