just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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