and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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