I wish my penis had an off switch
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
