At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
