So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
