I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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