remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
