when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
