I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
40s are totally the cure
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
