So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
soo... how was my night?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
