I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
