They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Pooping to opera.
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