the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Operation Purity has been aborted
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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