I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
3 2 1 whiskey
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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