You smell like a Billy Joel song
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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