Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
