What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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