I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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