youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
