No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
