moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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