Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
