I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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