So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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