I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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